It’s not cancer, so eF it!

This past week I've been going through a battery of tests again because I was having some serious abdominal pain – no, not stomach pain.  Yes, there is a difference.  It got so bad this weekend that I had to call the oncall Doctor at my oncologists office to get pain meds and spent a majority of the weekend and part of Monday on Vicoden. 

So we went through the blood tests – normal except I'm ridiculously anemic.

They are testing for a parasite because of something they saw in some test a few weeks ago.  They think I may have picked it up in Mexico in November.  I submitted that sample the other day – fun test. Really.

And I had a chest/abdominal/pelvic CT scan yesterday - which surprisingly enough, I got the results of yesterday – they were clean.  (Definitely glad to hear that!)  The area where the pain is - is where my kidney, liver, and all that stuff is.  Need I say more?  (in spite of a normal liver function test, I still needed the all clear from the CT.)

So I was going to go with the Kidney stone theory.  Its simple.  It's the most benign of all the other things it could be.  And I figure since it's not cancer,  eF IT!  (Ok, not really.  I still want to know what it is. )

I had a neuro follow up this morning.  (I was getting massive headaches and taking way too much ibuprofen so they put me on a medication called topamax.)  Guess what a not completely uncommon side effect is of topamax.  It can cause kidney stones.  So we're doing tests to confirm.  If it is a kidney stone, then he'll switch my meds.  If not, we'll keep looking.  But either way, it's not cancer so I get to get back to my life.

Brain Dump

I've wanted to post for a while now.  But felt like I couldn't.  I would normally post on my other blog - but my family and friends and some co-workers read it.  Sometimes I want to be able to vent and say what I want to say, but not have to worry about someone reading it and getting their nose all out of joint because of something I've said because they don't agree or have a different opinion.  Not to be egotistical, but this is *my* soap-box!  I get to stand up here and say what *I* am thinking and feeling irregardless of how its going to make someone else feel. 

 

I'm not cruel, hurtful, or completely insensitive.  I don't try to hurt people.  But sometimes the way that I'm honestly feeling just doesn't match with the way someone else thinks I should think/feel and they get pissy about that. 

 

So what so I do?  I alter what I post to try to match what I feel like I should be thinking and feeling rather than being honest.  So what's the point in that?  Why even bother blogging, when I'm going to be lying about almost half of what I say?  Instead, why not just use the other blog I set up that no one knows about (this one) where I can be as honest as I want to be, I'm completely anonymous, and I don't have to alter what I'm feeling to cater to anyone.

 

I think this is the better option.  I still get to blog.  I get to have my outlet.  And I get my 'privacy'.

 

So what's been going on with me?

A lot!  I haven't blogged on my other blog in well over 2 months.   And its been 5-6 months since I blogged on this one.  I'll try to be brief, but hit on the major things.

 

- I met the biggest TROLL last weekend.  Or more accurately, I was supposed to meet him.  We had a date.  It was a blind date.  He had a pretty detailed description of me.  And all he told me was that he's the "one in Blue".  I got to where we were meeting - texted and called him to let him know I was there.  He texted me for the next 20 min giving me the most vague descriptions of where he was.  But wouldn't answer when I called - twice.  Finally he texted and said that when I had arrived, I had walked right by him.  He was disappointed.  So he left.  I think I can accurately say he is a troll because a half way decent man wouldn't do that regardless of what I look like.  I texted back and said that it was nice to meet a man of substance and to enjoy his weekend.  Then I made sure I walked around the museum for another 20 minutes before heading to my car just in case he was still there.  I obviously bawled my eyes out in the car, but I wasn't about to let him see that he had had that effect on me. 

- So this, on the heels of my finally getting over my hermit/being a recluse phase and trying to get back out there.  Oh, and losing 33 lbs.  Can we say I almost went back to some old horrible patterns?  But I didn't.  I did emotional eat - but healthy foods.  After a 45 min walk with my dog.

- Work is seriously stressing me out right now.  I'm finally finding a place that I'm enjoying working.  Actually, now that I think about it.  I'm pretty much isolated at work.  Maybe that's why I'm enjoying it.  There are other ppl from my company there at this client site, but I don't work with them.  I interact with the client in meetings, but nothing on the social level.  (Except for one guy I've started having coffee with a few times a week - it is nice to have a bit of a social conversation during the day)  But what's really stressing me out is that I have to leave the project that I'm on and find a new one.  And I need to do it within the next few months.  Or I'm at risk of getting let go.  I have to admit - I find this utterly stupid that they would consider letting me go when I'm on a client project, making money for the firm, and the client is happy with my work and extending me.  But because they have rules about how long you can be at a certain level, I have to make a switch.  (The clock was continuing to tick while I was working part time during my cancer treatments.)  How f'ing fair is that?  What I really need to do is get off my lazy butt and go find a federal position.  Job security, a steady schedule, work life balance, pretty much the same thing I'm doing, and great benefits.  Duh!

- I think there's something wrong with me.  Mentally and physically. 

- Mentally - Part of me is just so lonely that sometimes I feel like if I recurred maybe I wouldn't be so alone anymore.  (I can't believe I actually admited that.)  I think about this a lot.  I feel like I can't relate to my old friends - and haven't maintained those relationships.  The cancer friends - those relationships are scary. So I'm left feeling pretty friendless.  And it seriously sucks.  But everyone and their mother was around when I had cancer, so ...

- Physically - I have this awful pain in my abdomen.  Thank god they were able to call in some Vicoden for me today because I don't know how I would have made it through the weekend - or even the day - without it.  But its not a muscle pain.  It more like the gallbladder pain I had a few years ago when my gallbladder was diseased and had to come out.  The good thing is that I had bloodwork done a week or so ago  - because I wanted to make sure I was losing weight the healthy way, which I am - and my liver function was normal.  My liver is also in that area.  So my first thought was liver mets.  Thank god, that's ruled out.  Now its just a matter of finding out what it is and resolving it.  I can function pretty well on the Vicoden - even drive on it.  Just need to make sure I don't take them too close together and all that.  =)

 

Ok.  I'm pooped.  Not sleeping for a few nights because I was up and in pain will do that to ya!  So I'm off to bed.  Good night.  And thanks for listening.

Love after cancer

I had THE most amazing chat conversation with a guy I've never met today. He's former military. Wrote poetry - literally - about how beautiful he thought I was.

"her beauty...as the the sun shines over the mountains..and breaks free from ocean to spread its cover across the sky..cannot measure your smile..as it lights up every room you enter...."

He was actually interested in who I am, what I'm passionate about, and what I think. We started off e-mailing and then ended up chatting online. The online chat - as usual - turned sexual. But not in the way those things typically do. Typically, the scenario would involve all the kinky, hot and dirty things a guy wants to do. This was all about sensuality, his genuine interest in giving me pleasure. It was by far the most sensual exchange I've ever had. I actually told him that he could never do what he described in his chat because it would make me fall in love with him. I think any woman would if she were treated like she were that precious.

He said - beauty is what is in YOU, you are outwardly beautiful - your smile, your eyes (killer), your body (mmm) - but what is inside, makes you even more beautiful. This from a man who has the body of an Adonis, a beautiful face, and such sensitivity. He asked me why I was single. In spite of everything he said, I couldn't bring myself to tell him that instead of the beautiful, sexy, and perfect woman he was imagining - I'm just me - overweight with scars, fake boobs, and no sensitivity.

I just wanted to enjoy the feeling - however fleeting - of being adored. I know that this is just a chat/e-mail encounter. And nothing really comes of these things. But to be able to let myself feel what it could be like to be cherished for even just a few minutes...

I know this (also) isn't real life, but at the end of Brother's and Sister's tonight, Kitty lets Robert see her for the first time without a wig since she lost her hair. She's so afraid he's going to take one look at her and run away screaming. Instead, he acts as if its the most natural thing in the world. When she asks him about it, he tells her that he loves her for so many reasons - and none of them have anything to do with her hair.

Sometimes I wish I had met someone before I had cancer. Someone who would have loved me enough to stick by me through it. Trying to put myself out there after cancer is so much harder - almost to the point where I'm no longer a hopeless romantic. Since I know that my scars, the knowledge that I had cancer, the fake boobs, and the weight generally scare off any single guys that I meet, I'm settling for relationships with married men. I try to justify it to myself, but there really is no justification for it. But I do it anyway beacuse they are the only ones who aren't scared off by me. And for a few brief moments, I get to pretend that I'm loved by a man.

How I got here ...

Well its 2am and I'm up writing on my blog.  I have a public blog where I post about my life, what's going on with me, what I'm thinking.  My family, friends, and co-workers check that one.  Many of them read it on a regular basis.  So how can I post what I'm really thinking when I know that my Mom and Dad are reading what I'm writing.  What if I want to post something about a date I had the other night?  Something intimate possibly?  You can't be comfortable saying things like that when the folks are reading.  Know what I mean?

 

So how did I get here?  Well its kind of a long story.  To summarize - it started with a broken engagement, a near break down at work, two trips to try and find myself, a breast cancer diagnosis, and a new perspective on life.  Viola!  Doesn't sound like such a complex path, but it really was/is.  But now that I'm on this path I can't help but wonder - what am I supposed to get out of this?  I'm a believer that everything happens for a reason - well on the days that I'm not pissed off at the world.  So I know that each 'trial' I've been through - there is a reason or purpose behind it.  I'm trying to discover what that reason is and what my purpose is. 

 

Reading all of this you are probably wondering why I decided to call my blog "I Fight Like a Girl".  One of the things I've learned in the past few years is that when life hands you a bunch of shit you have two options, either you can roll over and take it OR you can get up and FIGHT LIKE A GIRL!  I'm choosing to fight like a girl.