Love after cancer

I had THE most amazing chat conversation with a guy I've never met today. He's former military. Wrote poetry - literally - about how beautiful he thought I was.

"her beauty...as the the sun shines over the mountains..and breaks free from ocean to spread its cover across the sky..cannot measure your smile..as it lights up every room you enter...."

He was actually interested in who I am, what I'm passionate about, and what I think. We started off e-mailing and then ended up chatting online. The online chat - as usual - turned sexual. But not in the way those things typically do. Typically, the scenario would involve all the kinky, hot and dirty things a guy wants to do. This was all about sensuality, his genuine interest in giving me pleasure. It was by far the most sensual exchange I've ever had. I actually told him that he could never do what he described in his chat because it would make me fall in love with him. I think any woman would if she were treated like she were that precious.

He said - beauty is what is in YOU, you are outwardly beautiful - your smile, your eyes (killer), your body (mmm) - but what is inside, makes you even more beautiful. This from a man who has the body of an Adonis, a beautiful face, and such sensitivity. He asked me why I was single. In spite of everything he said, I couldn't bring myself to tell him that instead of the beautiful, sexy, and perfect woman he was imagining - I'm just me - overweight with scars, fake boobs, and no sensitivity.

I just wanted to enjoy the feeling - however fleeting - of being adored. I know that this is just a chat/e-mail encounter. And nothing really comes of these things. But to be able to let myself feel what it could be like to be cherished for even just a few minutes...

I know this (also) isn't real life, but at the end of Brother's and Sister's tonight, Kitty lets Robert see her for the first time without a wig since she lost her hair. She's so afraid he's going to take one look at her and run away screaming. Instead, he acts as if its the most natural thing in the world. When she asks him about it, he tells her that he loves her for so many reasons - and none of them have anything to do with her hair.

Sometimes I wish I had met someone before I had cancer. Someone who would have loved me enough to stick by me through it. Trying to put myself out there after cancer is so much harder - almost to the point where I'm no longer a hopeless romantic. Since I know that my scars, the knowledge that I had cancer, the fake boobs, and the weight generally scare off any single guys that I meet, I'm settling for relationships with married men. I try to justify it to myself, but there really is no justification for it. But I do it anyway beacuse they are the only ones who aren't scared off by me. And for a few brief moments, I get to pretend that I'm loved by a man.